I’ve been in a long distance relationship with a boy for several months now. What began as a very fulfilling and healthy relationship has devolved over the last few weeks into something else as my partner’s mental health has spiraled out of control. I’m not used to being the stable one in a relationship, as I’m sure everyone can assume based on my work about depression over the last few years. I see so much of my old self in his behavior now, and I’m trying to figure out if there’s a way to use that to help him. But just as I felt when I was at my most depressed, he doesn’t seem to want my help right now. It’s hard being primarily connected to someone I love through digital means. We met online and communicate through the phone the majority of the time. Long distance makes it easier to feel lonely within an intimate relationship, but it becomes especially lonely when the other person is even distant through technology.
I will fully admit that I was overthinking this assignment, but it’s because at the time, I was fully overthinking everything. I was having to put most of my brain power into trying to fix my floundering relationship (or rather, find the will to pull the plug on it). This project piggybacks off of what I did for Fading Light, trying to find ways to deal with my partner’s increasing depression and resulting spite towards me. Several days after the Fading Light critique, I asked my boyfriend for a break with the hopes that he might figure some things out and realize he can help himself. Simultaneously, hoping I would be able to decide if I needed to end things or not. So we went a week without speaking, during which I wrote notes in my phone every time I felt the urge to text him. This resulted in a long note full of very sad thoughts and questions I wasn’t brave enough to ask him directly. I sent him this file at the end of the week. Throughout the break, I tried to shoot things for multiples. I shot things thinking about just making a nice image with no substance behind it, and that didn’t work for me. I looked at the powerpoint for the assignment, and was drawn to the images that included words. Then I shot things to try and pair them with statements out of the note I wrote for my partner, but I couldn’t visualize any images to go with those thoughts. I finally just put the sentences against a white background, and that was when it clicked. That was exactly how my brain felt at that point. Just void of anything but those thoughts. No answers, no decision, no images. Just nothing. At the time of the mini critique, I was cycling through every stage of grief every day, knowing I needed to end things, but not ready to tell him. This project feels complete to me, I’m actually happy with the results and seeing them all laid out together was very cathartic.
