“Disposable” is a word that sticks in my head on a constant loop sometimes. I went to a private Christian school for all 12 years of education before college. I learned a lot there, all the usual things you learn in elementary and high school. In sixth grade, everyone got their official [redacted] Christian Academy sex ed. I remember that even at 11 years old, I thought the things they told us sounded wrong. I educated myself online over the years, I thought I would make it out okay. Years later, I would find out that wasn’t true. Being mentally ill, the part of my brain that seeks ways to make me feel worthless clung to my christian sex ed and never fully let go of it. I myself, Sydney, the person, am a sexual person. I always have been. I like sex, I like kink, I like exploring all of it. The other voice in my head, who I call Jessica, the mental illness, does not like that. The other voice pulls from my Christian education, my real experiences, and my fears to tell me all the reasons why no one will ever treat me like I’m not disposable.
Going into this project, I wanted to try and visualize some of the polarizing thoughts I experience constantly regarding sex by combining self portraiture and handwritten text. Unlike with “Safety Tray”, I can honestly say that this series has been extremely cathartic. I found myself in an unsettling mindset while I was working on it, a whirling combination of hyper-sexual mania and feelings of inadequacy. But in the end, it’s been groundbreaking. It lead me to feel more comfortable exploring certain aspects of my own sexuality, forced me to feel okay with seeing my own body on film, and lead to an official diagnosis of bipolar disorder from my therapist. It’s sometimes hard for me to explain my thoughts to people around me because they sound like the thoughts of two separate people. In a way, they are. But they’re also both me, they’re both mine.
The same day I presented this project in our final critique, I experienced a minor sexual assault by someone that I formerly thought I could trust. This person had seen this series, knew how I felt, and chose to view me as a sexual object regardless. I’m completely alright, but the level of poetic irony is honestly so laughable, I can’t bring myself to not include it here. I’m not disposable.
This series was shot entirely on disposable film cameras with the help of very understanding and loving friends for my final project fall 2018. Special thank yous, German, Olivia, Evie, Teagen, and anyone who contributed to these thoughts in my mind.
